Sometimes, we aren't okay.

*******I am writing from my own personal perspective.  I do not claim to be representing all teachers during this time. We all have had different experiences navigating education during a global pandemic. Some are struggling through far worse and some have been impacted very little.  As always, I write for my own processing and with hope of being an encouragement to someone else to keep fighting the good fight.  Be honest with yourself and others. Teaching is a different kind of hard right now.  It's okay if you're not okay.*********

I have had this experience lately that has really started to bother me.  I am usually out walking or at the store getting groceries and I run into someone I haven't seen much since school has started.  They see me and immediately ask, "How are you? How's school?"  Their care and concern is obvious, as is the sweet kindness they are showing, knowing full well school must be a little different right now.  Their question and concern absolutely is NOT what has been eating at me.  It is my own response, my reflex reaction that sets off a ripple of thinking for me.  In my mind, I quickly have this conversation with myself. 

Okay-how much does this person want to know? Are we close enough for me to be honest? Will they think I'm crazy person or a whiner or worse yet-that I am being political in my frustrations about how things are going?  Can I tell them the truth or just give them what they are hoping to hear? Most of the time my mind is made up quickly, "Okay. (I always say with a smile.)  I'm okay. It's fine.  It's so good to be back with the kids."  Totally the truth there on that last part.  I adore my students and couldn't be happier to be in person learning with the coolest little people in the world.  But, I always end up walking away thinking: Why did you say okay? Are you really okay?  Are things really fine?  Why do I feel the need to be dishonest with how I am doing?  Why is it so hard for us to admit when we are not okay?

Don't get me wrong,  I don't think it is necessary to dive into every little struggle on the sidewalk with each person you pass by.  If we unloaded it all on every single person who asked us how we were doing while in line to buy milk, WHEW...that would be a little much.  There is a fine line of sharing in honesty and transparency, yet knowing the appropriate time and space to do that with people you love and trust most.

But in this season, I am learning.  I am learning that sometimes, we aren't okay and that our culture doesn't really have a good place to put that.  We are told to keep trudging ahead, do our best to not slow down and if you struggle you must be weak.  What a shame.  One of the most human ways we have to connect with one another is to share in our struggles, because that is something we all have.  The struggles may look different and come and go with different seasons.  But no matter what the hardship, we can all relate to experiencing difficulty.  Why is so hard to talk about them or admit when we are struggling?  AND during a global pandemic, there is a little bit of a struggle going on for everyone in some way....so why is it so hard to be honest?

So how am I?  Not super well. But I have days that are okay and days that aren't.  I'm exhausted in a way I don't know that I've ever experienced in my life. Physically, mentally, and spiritually exhausted.  As a teacher, I have been experiencing such a long, sustained period of a high level of stress with no known end in sight.  I have been teaching in person learning for 8 weeks during a pandemic.  Though hard to explain to people outside of our profession, I will try to capture my experience as best as I can.  I love my job so much.  I love my students and the wonderful families I get to work with.  I am a teacher because it is my calling and I went into it knowing full well the challenges I would face.  But this is different.  I've had some more difficult years of teachings, but none quite like this.  

I am still crisis teaching.  Since March, teachers have been operating in crisis mode.  We had to quickly switch to delivering instruction entirely online with no handbook, very little guidance and lots of feedback about what wasn't right about it.  Our students have not had in person learning since March. This presents many added challenges for teachers and many more social/emotional/academic struggles.  Though we know there are some holes created during missed in-person learning, we are still charged with getting all students to the same academic and behavioral level by the end of the school year.  Standards have not changed.  Expectations have not changed. State testing has not changed.  So we are trying to find the holes and quickly fill them while still maintaining the same academic rigor as in years prior.  ALL WHILE also teaching students the new norms of socially distancing while at school, how to wear masks appropriately, and washing and washing and washing and washing hands. 

I am navigating a health crisis at school.  Everyone has an opinion.  We should take it more seriously OR we should realize that it really isn't a big deal.  We should wear masks OR we should just do what we feel comfortable with.  We should be putting more mitigation strategies in place at school OR we shouldn't be so strict with mitigation strategies at school.  We should be providing in person learning OR we should be doing online learning.  Teachers should be doing more of this OR teachers should be doing better with that.  And with all of is, we must remain neutral and try our best to leave our own opinions out of it.  We must show up and do whatever is asked of us regardless of our own on feelings about any of it.

For the safety of students and staff, we have more cleaning protocols and also reduced the mixing of any students throughout the day for recesses and lunch.  That means teachers are with students from 7:45-3:20 with two half hour breaks.  Two half hour breaks in the day doesn't seem too bad at first, but consider what one has to fit into that time.  Cleaning tables, cleaning learning materials used by students that need to be used the next day, using the restroom, taking time to fuel myself with food, planning for instruction for the next hour/day/week and also for the possible switch to online learning, communicating to parents, meetings about year goals or observations, covering for others when short staffed, laying out plans for absent colleague, etc.  Sometimes I am having to quick prioritize with the above needs, regrettably putting my own needs last. Some things just go undone...until the evenings after my own kids go to bed.

My personal choices carry a different weight than before.  As a teacher, I have the added responsibility that whatever choice I make could make an impact on if I am able to do my job well.  I told a friend just the other day; if I were to get sick with Covid from a contact at school, I would not feel bad.  However, if I had socially went to spend time doing something I love and contracted it, I would feel SO bad.  This could shift my own classroom to online learning, putting so many families in a difficult circumstance with their own jobs and providing care for their children.  This could also impacts my own kids' learning and my husbands job as well.  Every decision seems like a calculated risk.  A risk that has an impact on so many....an added weight of responsibility.

Self care, though helpful, is not going to fix it.  I know that not all that read this may share the same faith as I do, but I believe that my own limitations and human weakness points me to the need for more than just self care to sustain me.  I am realizing, I am created in such a way that I absolutely need sleep.  I cannot keep going, giving, doing while running on empty.  I cannot keep dealing with high levels of stress without, at some point, crashing.  And I need more than just some quiet moments of deep breathing or a glass of wine to muster up enough strength for a new day because I know that new struggles await me on the other side of this nights' sleep.  Those very struggles will leave me tired and weary once again, most likely before the sun sets on the very next day.  Self care absolutely has its place to help me recharge and rest.  But what self care fails to do is bring an enduring sense of peace and joy in struggles quite like my faith does.  On the darker days, my faith gently reminds me that this is will not last forever.  It is my faith that swings my feet to the ground when exhaustion makes me want to stay in bed. My faith is what brings me crawling to the foot of the cross for strength and endurance for sustainstance, because there isn't an obvious end to the situation I find myself in.  BUT let me be clear, this blessed assurance doesn't make the hard just disappear.  I think it's easy for onlookers to look at one struggling and just say "BE MORE POSITIVE! LOOK on the bright side....it's not as bad as..."  How many times have I responded in this way when someone laments their current circumstances? Have I responded by telling them just look on the bright side?  Woof...lesson learned.

I wonder what would happen if we spent more time saying, "That's hard." And then just show up. Show up with food.  Drop in just to say hi. Send a text or send a card in the mail just to let someone know you are thinking of them.  I wonder if instead of arguing about ALL the things right now, we showed up for each other seeking to understand one's perspective and withholding judgement or criticism.

So I am not really okay, but do I dare say---thankful....and not okay.  Teaching during this season has reminded me of my own weakness and how to love others better.  I'm learning to set boundaries and that sometimes I can simply just do what I can without emptying myself.  I am learning empathy and compassion in ways I didn't understand before.  I'm learning better to seek to understand and listen before giving my opinion.  I'm learning that words of encouragement are good, but sometimes just sitting with someone while they cry---can be better.   These are probably some of the strongest lessons I've learned in my years of teaching.

There is good and bad as we journey through life together and it all works together for our good.  But let's be real---sometimes, we aren't okay.  

Love to my teacher peeps.